Grateful for the sunshine, and the clouds.

Waking up today, I could hear the birds and I knew that the sun was going to fight to come out today. The clouds were going to remind me today that there are going to be times when you have to be grateful for the things you can’t see; even when the sun is obscured, there is warmth.

When I finally took off today for my run, I kept thinking how every step of this journey….I am doing it for me, but I am also carrying my mom. She didn’t get this life, she didn’t get to age, and see herself in the mirror with freckles and wrinkles, and didn’t get to anticipate turning 50 with some of her best friends by her side.

My mom never got so much of life that I have the opportunity to do, so I need to do it well. I am lucky and loved, and blessed, and rich with things that won’t translate to wealth for just anyone, but it does to me. I had the chance this morning to have coffee with one of my favorite people, even if it was virtual…I got to talk to my Number 6…and I got to run, and feed my spirit and my soul with the sights and sounds of the city I love.

By the time I set out on my run…I hadn’t even cried today. I hadn’t even needed to fight it back. But, I got to the halfway point of my run, and had stopped to take a picture of the water and the flowers…and I felt it. Heavy, sharp and familiar…grief. I could feel it wash over me. And, deep down, I was feeling more than my own grief. I could feel grief like the thread that ties us together, the familiar sense of loss that is perhaps the second great human connection…second only to love.

I let myself feel the grief, and the loss, and the pain. And, as I continued to run, and the tears slowed, and I felt the sun on my shoulders…kissing thru the clouds…I was reminded of how lucky I am that even in the enormous length of 33 years since she died, I am alive, and I am here, and I am Sherry’s daughter…full of flaws, and love, stubborn and surviving, kind and crass…but, I am here. And, she would love this journey.

I sure love you, Mom. Thanks for sending me that sun to kiss my freckles.